


The Winter Soldier :Disavowed

by alis_grave_nil



Series: Bleed Red into White snow [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Loki: Agent of Asgard, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Amputee Bucky Barnes, Artist Steve Rogers, Avenger Loki, Awesome Sam Wilson, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes & Sam Wilson Friendship, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Bucky Barnes is fuckin' psycho, Bucky Barnes/EVERYBODY, F/M, Gen, HYDRA Trash Party, Interracial Relationship, Intersex Loki, Loki Does What He Wants, M/M, Multi, Past Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, Period-Typical Racism, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Natasha Romanov, Racism, Sam's trynna save his soul, Steve's all thirsty on the sidelines, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Up all night to get Bucky, Up all night to get lucky with Bucky, WTF Bucky, could NOT let that slip by, flashabacks like a mofo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-28
Updated: 2016-02-20
Packaged: 2018-04-17 18:20:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4676651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alis_grave_nil/pseuds/alis_grave_nil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After failing his mission to kill Steve Rogers,The Winter Soldier is on the run .At some point,a staged accident results in HYDRA reclaiming their Asset,only for Bucky to retaliate .Now a scared and confused James Barnes triggering hard and plagued by memories of his past life asThe Asset, Sargeant Barnes,The Winter Soldier and Bucky.He's on a rampage against HYDRA and himself,that will only end in tragedy . Steve wants to save  man he loves,Natasha has to choose between love or treason ,Sam,'s trying to do the right hing and Tony Stark may be he key to unraveling Hydra and the forever breaking The Winter Soldier's program.But Hydra wants blood and everyone has secrets that will catch up to them.Who is the Shadow patriot ?What is Stark's Algorithm?And what does Brock Rumlow know about all of this?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Disavowed

**Author's Note:**

> I saw the easter egg at the end of Ant man and remembered I did NOT watch The WInter Soldier!how can I NOT have watched that! I also finished reading Loki,Agent of Asgard and am using that incarnation of Loki.Also,the New York incident DID happen...but that was Loki doing his jiob as an Agent,so yes,he's a Secret Avenger...and essentially a quadruple agent at this point.For those who play video games,think Revolver Ocelot from metal gear as in'Who the F*CK are you actually with?! This premise is essentialy,there are things that Bucky won't ever get back...but what if he DID get it back? An who better to play head games with than Loki?

-Status report on The Asset-

 

Day 1

 

-The Asset has failed mission and failed to reach checkpoint.Scanners indicate tha The Asset is moving out of range of HQ.HYDRA Forces have been depoloyed to search for The Asset.

 

We can NOT lose The Arm of HYDRA,.It is our most powerful weapon!

 

It isn't  needed,we have unlimited forces...'

 

Many who were taken in by the CIA or outright disavowed!

 

But The Asset!...

 

-recording breaks-

 

Day 3

 

-Forces have been sent to capture The Asset.The Asset resisted capture and Strike Force 22 was lost as were its reinforcements.Orders changed. The Asset is a liability.Take the Asset dead or alive

 

Day 22

 

The Asset has been captured  returned to its rightful owners..It is cooperative,however ,exhibiting suspicious behavior.

 

Day 25

 

This is the final log from HQ 26.The Asset is regaining intelligence and self awareness.The Asset was sent on one final mission.Instead of following mission objectives,the Asset attacked HYDRA Bases 36B and 36C killing all of its agents and setting the bases to self destruct.The Asset is now deemed a threat and the threat must be eliminated.If the Asset is spotted in your surrounding area,proceed with caution .

 

Day 32

'

This is HQ 27 reporting .In light of recent events,new directives have been issued.The Asset is too much of a liability to the organization.All Agents are given a new mission that will be priority over all others:

 

Project Winter Soldier has been Aborted.Find and eliminate the Asset by any means necessary.


	2. Burning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James Barnes prepares to take out some Hydra bases while memories are haunting him.He has no idea who he is but he has many faces...The Asset,The Soldier,Bucky ,Winter.Which is real is anyone's guess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay,so first off,this chapter plays a lot on how fragmented Bucky's mind is as he's going through this shit.Going for pure raw emotion here and Bucky triggers pretty badly throughout the story ,cuz really,70 years of trauma? What's even left...

October--

_Cold,cold and more cold,he was freezing.Bucky looked into the snowed sky,tried to sit up but was unable to move .Panic gripped him and he heard the sounds of steps crunching in the snow._

_'No...'_

_N-no....s-stay back,...please.._

_Again ,Bucky tried to move but nothing ,nothing._

_'You will be our path to a new world...',a voice said and they closed in on him.Again ,he tries to move,nothing...nothing..and then he turns his head.In the horizon he can see someone,he thinks the someone is familiar,but he's unsure/_

_'Bucky! Bucky!'_

_He knows that voice._

_'Bucky!'_

_The people in the dark coats are grabbing at him and Bucky lets out a silent scream._

_'Bucky!'_

_'No!'_

_'Run away...that's your mission Winter Soldier! Run Away and never look back!',he yelled.Bucky only remembered a dark uniform and brown hair and eyes,_

_\--_

_\--_

* * *

 

His eyes snapped open at the sound of broken glass .In his horror,he kicked his leg right through the backseat window of his stolen SUV and .Dead still and .Eyes blown open in horror and hyperventilating,James Barnes felt the cold begin to vanish.Teary eyed,he calmed himself before cursing and pulling his leg back through the window.Shaken,he huddled against the seats.

After regaining his composury,James forced himself out if the cramped space that was the backseat and climbed in front.Time for a new ride.But first..

A crinkle of plastic and he stares at the peppermint disk..

_bleed red against white into snow...like peppermint candy..._

It

was odd how he so morbidly thought like that at times..odd because he knew it wasn't the Soldier or the Asset...

It was Bucky.

He popped the candy into his mouth ,tastes nostalgia...somehow he thinks that peppermint use to taste better,its a James Barnes thought.But he knows this.Matters little,he got what he needed from it.

He found the cold.

 

 

 

-

It was easy to get himself a new ride,but something inside him was hurting.This isn't something Bucky would do,nless he had too.

A breif moment reminds him that Sargeant Barnes and Sargeant Dugan once stole a tank together back in WWII.He grinned to himself as he pulled off the curve.

\--

He had managed to track down a local gun shop something he should have done.But surprise,surprise,Bucky was a procrastinator. He didn't see this coming and the Asset didn't approve.That's what that nagging under his skin was,it was

MISSION -- Secure ammunition

Bucky startled at such a jarring thought.

"You're a fucking person now ...stop it",he mumbled to himself.

 _'They don't own you anymore,Bucky',quiet whisper from who?_ He can't remember

_"You're just Hydra's bitch! That is all you ever will be!',_

Another voice he can hardly recall.

Bucky closes his eyes counts in Russian (which ...why the fuck is his russian so good anyway?) and pushes that darkness down,His hands shook as he as he pulled up his car and stepped out,no one batted an eye.He looked normal.A dark grey hoody and black jeans with boots. Thanks to Loki ,his hands looked mostly normal but he still wore fingerless gloves because it still felt metal.And the long ,wavy hair was perfect for obscuring his face ,and on his back,a guitar case full of weapons .

No one suspected a thing.

Bucky felt sick to his stomach,but the Soldier was ready.

The bell rang and the older man in a cowboy hat hardly looked up from his magazine.

"Place is almost closed kid",he said.

"Well in that case,I better set it to closed for ya.Just need one thing",Bucky said,even his voice sounded nice.And oh what bloody hands...

'Keep it together,Barnes!'

He did .Mostly.He succeeded in not looking crazy,thank god because lord knows that James Barnes was completely FUBAR; fucked up beyond all recognition.

"That's might generous of ya.What do you need ,son?",the man at the register said.For Bucky,the next few minutes were on auto-pilot.When the man looked up from his book,he came face to face with a silencer pistol .

"Just need as many weapons as I can carry is all",he said.The smile on his lips never reached his eyes.The soldier was developing a sense of humor.

\--

He was being nice today.The Soldier didn't kill the old man behind the register,just incapacitated him.But he killed the other guy in the back who threatened to call police.Under the cover of dark ,he took what he needed.

\--

MISSION-Terminate Hydra forces with extreme prejudice

Bucky stopped himself right there.

 

'Be human'

 

or at least lie about it.Bucky was always a good liar...this is something that the soldier remembers.That damn smile always hid lies behind his eyes.

The soldier reminds him survival depends on this ability .The Asset stops all traces if guilt before it even begins to form.

 

Even if the place looks like a regurlar ,run down bar,connected to some abandoned buildings,but the place wasn't normalt.Winter knows that the patrons here aren't normal patrons,knows what the place looks like after dark,knows about clandestine meetings.The lights are dimmed and there is a blue scarf knotted to the door with a sign that says 'Closed'.

 

That means,Hydra only.

 

Then,there's the abandoned gas station that's right across the street too that doubles as a Hydra training ground.The liquor store nearby was legit,so was the pharmacy,but not the newsstand.

 

This is where they break the new recruits and the ones that step out of line.

_"There are no prisoners with HYDRA, only order. And order only comes through pain. Are you ready for yours?",he remembered hearing someone say...Agent Rumlow?_

_Yes he said it but he wasn't the first._

_They beat it into him, broke him in like they did the Asset.The guy who decided to kick the living shit out of Rumlow said it first,_

_Crack of bones, slap of flesh and someone screaming 'Fuck you!'...it was Rumlow but he was far younger._

_Another hit,a group of nervous laughs._

_The Winter soldier is there to intimidate,there to bring fear.Something about that pleases him,that Hydra fears him.But not in times like these_

_"Teach him...",it's a command and the Asset follows all commands._

_-Order only comes through PAIN-_

 

Some of Rumlows scars never healed,he never spoke on it because after he smiled at Winter one time too many,lied for him and others too many times,showed too much mercy,he got the chair just like Winter...the good ones always get the chair...

 

_...Like Winter...._

_' YOUR MISSION is to RUN'_

_Away from this place,away from it all._

_'And never look back...._

_Because pain is order and-_

Sharp pain brings him back and Bucky's holding a combat knife over his bleeding arm.

 

And in that moment,pain brought him order.

 

Angrily ,he stabs the blade into the passenger seat and gets out of the car.

* * *

 

 

It was easy to break into the gas station because it was abandoned now .All the action went on downstairs.Even so there were guards,dressed as street bums,but the soldier knew the difference.Body language was key.Clearly they were guarding something.

 

The Asset was saying 'kill-kill-kill-kill-kill,the soldier says stealth is key and Bucky just wants this to be over,fast. Someone was approaching now,in the dark.The Soldier raised his sniper rifle,took the first guard out and picked off the other four before they even knew what was going on.Taking up the keys and keycard from another guard,he opened the hatch in the floor and made his way down.

 

Soon as he dropped the latter,he slit a man's throat,then broke a woman's arm ,kniocked her out and was sure to destroy her radio like he did all the others.Next man,broke his neck,the woman with him too.The Asset relished the blood,the Soldier knew it was necessary.But Bucky didn't like it,he made it quick and merciful.Especially there was that problem with putting his hands on women.

 

The Soldier notes that this may be a liability in the future.

 

After clearing the area,he began to set the necessary charges in structural spots to make sure the place went down.Bucky thinks of Hydra like roaches.Damn hard tok ill and when you do,there's many more to take it's place.

 

Bucky remembers how much he hates roaches,remembers like faded dream ,a movie reel playing in his system.That old apartment in Brooklyn that him and that scrawny little shit Steve shared,had roaches.And he use to sick Steve on them.Steve laughed...and his laugh was beautiful...

 

And for the first time in a long time he smiles.A moment later,he's popping aniother head through his scope.

 

The smile never left his lips.

\--

 

 _"This is Hydra and WE are the leaders of the new world!",_ the film said.It was old,black and white,like fucking WWII old.It was running on an old projector in a room full of chairs made with hand cuffs.

 

Sharp fear runs down his spine and Bucky feels Winter crawling under his skin,feels really small now.He immediately punches out the projecter ,destroying the image of Johan Schmidt,Baron Von Strucker and Hitler...the propaganda,the lies..all on the screen and all the weaposn,lasers,shit that didn't make sense.And it's all rushing back so fast.

 

_Strapped to the table and helpess as they pumped this vileness into his veins,burning it's way in.This is the making of a monster..._

_'You are part of a master race now...you have ascended...'_

 

The feeling of a sharp pain against wrist brought him back.

_Order.Through.Pain._

 

And again

 

"You're all gonna die...every single one of you mutherfuckers",Bucky said to himself., bitter laugh in his voice And then he began to set the charges,.He finished off the unconscious survivors on his way out.

 

* * *

 

"Yeah...it's been about an hour,Miller and no one's called in.I think we need to go see if something's wrong",a young man with short brown hair said to the other man in t across fdrom him sighed.

 

"If something was wrong ,Ryan,we'd already know...Hydra has eyes everywhere...",Ryan said.

 

"Yeah...except the fact that some shaky stuff's been happening lately.With Pierce gone..Sitwell Got killed by Winter,that's what the rumnor is.Said the fucker jumped up on a car and threw him from a window",Miller said.

 

"Jesus...It's like the damn thing's alive and out to get us at times", Ryan said.

 

"I get that feeling too.Sure glad,I never had to work with it...not that it matters much now..."Miller said.Ryan frowned,took another sip from his beer.

 

"Don't say that..."Ryan said.

 

"C'mon,Ryan ,since that whole info dump,it's not like any of us can get in contact with each other without the police and undercover SHIELD Agents at our throats",Miller answered.

 

"Then there's the fact that nobody knows who's in charge anymore .I heard from Veit that some groups are splintering and forming their own thing,infighting,,,The closest we had to a leader was Rumlow and he up and disappeared on us...",Miller said.Ryan paused A faint tapping sound was heard over the music playing in the background.

 

"Hey,you heard that?"he said.

 

Miller paused,concetrating.He looked to the window and saw a hand putting up signs.

 

"It's one of the guys from the gas station",he said,and the two men immediately left.The Soldier let a smirk cross his lips as he waited in the grass,his combat knife slowly dragging against his hand.

 

-

 

The two Hydra Agents wandered around the grass just outside the bar,walking around the side.They were completely unaware they were being followed.Miller was first to draw his gun,then Ryan and

 

"-MMF!",Ryan was immediately snatched around the corner.Miller heard him struggle and rushed over to the side of the building,gun drawn.He was ready to fight when he saw Ryan's corpse slam against a tree several feet away.When he heard the steps ,his blood ran cold.When he saw and the man in black step out,his hands were literally shaking.His instinct was to shoot but his common sense told him that it

d be the last thing he did.The man approached and pulled his hat off tossing it in the wind.

 

Under dim street lights,the pale brunnete looked like a ghost,not just from the light but from who he resembled.Miller remembered tailing Captain Rogers to the Smithsonian only a week ago...remembered hearing him argue with Tony Stark the day after...

 

'It's Bucky...I swear it's him.The Winter Soldier is James Buchanon Barnes'

 

"Don't say a word",The voice came cold as ice.

 

"Run away.Run away and tell SHEILD I'm an alley...tell them that,and tell Captain Rogers...tell Steve I'm coming home",The Winter Soldier said.

 

"How do I know that you're telling the truth?After what you did",Miller demanded.He knew what the soldier did to Fury...

 

"I am no longer a slave to Hydra...I'm free",he said.And as he said those words,he felt a wave of euphoria literally sweep through him.

 

_'I'm free...'_

 

"Alright...I will",he said.

 

"This part of town is Hydra territory.Take the main road down the interstate and never look back",he said.

 

The soldier nodded and headed towards the bar, drawing a set of uzis from his guitar case.Moments later ,he was kicking down the door and open firing inside the place and Miller was gone.

 

From his car,he heard and saw the gas station go up in flames.

 

He was surprised that he felt nothing.

 

And he wondered,was he a monster for letting it happen...

 

Memories of DC flooded his mind and he made his decision.

 

"This isAgent Miller,is Agent Hill here?",he said into his phone.

 

"Miller...what's going on?! I here gun fire and-"

 

"No,my cover's not blown,and don't bother sending in reinforcemnets.This base is already taken care of",Miller said.

 

"How...are they fighting each other again?",Maria asked.

 

"No,and alley helped us out.Just got a message...The Winter Soldier said he's not Hydra's slave anymore and that he's coming home.He said to tell it to Steve",he said.

 

Moments later,there was a second explosion and the bar went up in flames.Miller's eyes went to the rare view mirror and he saw the shadow of The Winter Soldier escaping into the night.

 

"A;right.Get out in one piece.You know where the checkpoint is",Maria said.

 

"Gotcha.Miller out",he said and hit the gas.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Miller will be a recurring character who is like an audience surrogate.He is,a normal person amidst the madness and as you can see ,a double Agent.Really,how else does SHIELD get their intel,right? That and plus it's a way to kinda take a step back and look at the bigger picture.Miller is playing the role Rumlow played in the Movie only reversed...yes a HYDRA double Agent who permenantly defected to SHIELD.
> 
> I also get the vibe that Hydra has manipulated most of its followers to the cause ,come to those vulnerable.Hydra is a mix of victims and the disillusioned.


	3. The Shadow Patriot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve's falling to pieces over Bucky and Natasha convinces him to come in from the cold.But a meeting with Nick Fury touches upon fears she never knew she had; Sam is there to comfort her

When they catch Steve,he's covered in the blood of his enemies,he cleared out half the building on his own and they only finished off reinforcements.When they find him,he,has a thousand yard stare.With shaking hands,he slammed the tablet in his hand against a nearby wall,cracking the wall and destroying the device.

It was used to Monitor The Asset during mental conditioning and was written in vivid detail with photos and videos.

The footsteps that follow come to a slow stop.Natasha Romanov has no expression on her face,and the only feeling in her is the feeling of...a dulled pain,maybe.

Sometimes it's hard to get these things right.

Sam just looks on in understanding.

He knows if it had been Riley,there would have been a massacre.

"There are leftover communications from bases B12 and B19.We should check there next",he said quietly.He yanks his shield from the wall and the body of a dead Hydra agent hits the floor.

"I've got it"Natasha said and headed over to the old computers.

The world seemed to stand still as Steve closed his eyes,breathed.

After seeing the footage of the Winter Soldier dragged by a dozen men at once in shackles into one of those locked rooms,fighting with everything in him,then begging and then nothing.He was treated like an object,a thing.Hosed and steam bathed until he was sore ,skin peeling,lead around in shackles and pumped full of drugs that left him vulnerable to everything

There was a soft moan of agony and Steve's eyes trailed after a ,am in a lab coat,moving if barely.

"We got a live one...send him to Coulson,"Steve said and Sam was glad he made the call.

The last time Steve had to interrogate someone,they had to drag him away.He broke down himself not long after.

* * *

 

The ride home was dead silent.Sam was asleep in the back seat and Natasha drove.The Hydra base that was a warehouse was ash and embers now and a very familiar black van was leaving the wreckage.

"Steve.."she said.

"Still no closer to finding him...and every time I see the tapes and read the files...I want blood...sometimes my own",he said quietly.A small smile crosses his lips,but it holds no joy,more like the twisted raise of his lips.

"We'll get Bucky back ,Steve.That much I promise you",she said ,gripping the steering wheel.

"I hope so...I couldn't go on if we didn't he said,face blank.

 _Steve closes his eyes and watches James Barnes falling into the cold..._

 _"_ So...are you coming back home tonight?",she asked quietly.

Steve and Sam had agreed to work together to look for Bucky.But Steve had over the past month become withdrawn and eventually started going off on his own.SHEILD had been tracking the destruction of Hydra bases and while no one was certain for sure,it was known that The WInter Soldier was taking them down and killing Hydra operatives .This put him on the map,however,it was Fury who noticed patterns that didn't match.Natasha who looked into it and Clint who witnessed Steve Rogers murder a,amn in cold blood.

He remembered that soldiers,were killers and Steve Rogers was a Solsier and thereforer a killer.He's likely killed by the dozens in war,so what is one mosnter of a man?

It was the laughing that turned to crying that made all the differnece and the shield smashing the window nearly catching Clint off guard.That and the wild look in his eyes.

He and Natasha made a promise to deal with him when the fire settles,but it was getting increasingly hard for her to keep her promise...

"I'm coming",he said,

* * *

  


Back at Sam's,everyone's washing up before bed.Dinner is cold pizza because Fury's on the other line forever and Steve has to play nice.Later, Steve is in his room staring at blank walls again as Natasha takes over and Sam's doing inventory.

Steve's hands are now holding charcoal and he is drawing the third picture of James Barnes he's drawn today in full detail but as always black and white because no matter what ,Steve can't get his colors right.Nothing can compare to the real thing.

And now ,for the first time,he was attainable.His Bucky, _his._  


 _'It's gonna be alright ,Stevie',_  


That voice and smile that promises everything...

In Steve's mind,there's a light shining into his darkness.so bright but solitary like a single street lamp on a dark streets.He knows because as Steve stood under the light ,Bucky's silhouette comes into focus.

 _'And he looks so fucking used'_  


 _..._ is what Steve thinks of the Winter soldier.This is what he thinks as he looks at a picture stolen from one of the files.But this is his Bucky now.

  
_'After they fucking ruined him'._

But even that ruin is more than enough.

The third picture is the Winter Soldier ,whom has his own dark beauty.

Steve though,finds himself drawing longer hair that falls to his shoulder blades this time,rimming eyes black.This is the Bucky from a dream that felt and tasted so real.

  
_The dreams of an empty house somewhere and Bucky with a bleeding broken heart painted on his metal arm and Steve sticking fridge magnets on it... running around barefooted with Steve chasing him and laughing and laughing and crashing onto a king sized bed ,hair sprawled out and looking at Steve like he's everything...this  Bucky dances in graveyards and listens to loud music and wears his darkness in his heart on black nails and around his eyes .This Bucky kisses him shamelessly with no fear..._

Steve has lived two lifetimes and remembers,but these dreams feel like a third one.

 

It's am hours when he finishes the drawing,obscene metal arm that makes Steve thinkof a claw and all.When he's finished,he's looking at a cross between Bucky before the war,he has that smile

It make Steve think how he use to visit Bucky's empty grave and tell him about small miracles from this time.(he is glad he no longer has to)

...the eyes in the drawing are half dead with desperation ,madness and desire like Sergeant Barnes.

And last the sleep marks and wariness of The Asset after being used and worn so badly...

The thought makes Steve feel guilt shame and horror and he slams the book shut,his heart pounding.

  
he takes half an entire handful of sleeping pills and knocks himself out cold.

At least he wasn't writing letters to a dead man now.Maybe some day he could give them to Bucky.

* * *

It was wrong,it was unethical,but the Black Widow was use to these kinds of decisions; she did what she had to do.Said thing being switching the dose of Steve's sleeping pills and putting something extra in Sam's drink to put him to sleep like a baby.But she had a job to do and people to protect;

And Fury knew that she could be trusted to the fullest.

It's not that the others were untrustworthy,no....

It was that she quite literally had NOTHING to lose.No family,no friends...

Okay,Sam Wilson,but he was new.New enough that pain wouldn't be so bad.Clint Barton was a weakness too,maybe,but she just knew he could take care of himself.That was a non-issue,Thor had an entire nation to lose and Stark was just stubborn.So really,Natasha had to be the one to do it.

Under the cover of night,she slipped out of the house through the back,made her way to her destination.It was well known that she would go for meetings with SHEILD operatives so no one questioned that.However,what those meetings entailed is what was classified.

When she found Maria Hill,she was sitting on at a bus station incognito.Through the glasses and black and gray wig,loose fitting coat ,long skirt and stockings,she looked like an middle aged woman clutching her purse.But Natasha had been in the business long enough to know what to look for.She ran her fingers through brown hair that wasn't her own,bangs obscuring her eyes and sat down with her cellphone in hand,hiding a purse very similar to Maria's.For a long while ,they sat quiet ,not saying a word.

"His name is Miller,known as Agent 12.He's the one who you'll be talking to.By day,he works at a security guard for Bryce Security.He'll be getting his transfer whenever you're ready",she said quietly.

"Alright.What about the message?",she said.

"Fury will fill you in.Our ride's here",Maria said as the bus pulled up.The two boarded the bus ,sat nowhere near each other like perfect strangers,but not before discreetly switching bags.Upon boarding the bus,she immediately spotted Nick Fury seated to a window in the back.And that was only because she knew his body language.There were a lot of things he was trained in,he had the sharpest mind she could imagine.But he was not trained to fight biology like The Black Widow,made malleable and made for only the mission.It had taken years for Natasha Romanov to become a person and there was a chance that she'd have to get back to the shadows again.

Natasha and Nick got off of the bus,but Maria stayed on.Natasha was far away from the other man as she pulled up her hoodie and made her way to their meeting place.She pushed open the door of the laundromat  with a bag she picked up from an agent posted outside.She swiped her card,got a machine and dumped the old clothes in.Finally,she sat down in a seat right behind Nick Fury and put in her headphones,turned on the mic enough that all she had to do was whisper

'I see you haven't lost your touch,Agent Romanov',Nick said

'If I did,we'd all be in trouble',Natasha said.

a chuckle was shared between the two of them.

'It's good to see you again',he said quietly.

'You too',she replied,letting a genuine smile cross her lips.

'I just wish it was on different circumstances..',Nick answered.

'Maybe next time.There's a great pizza restaurant in Philadelphia I wanna try out',she said.

'My treat ,the next time we meet there',he said,and again Natasha smiled,her eyes cast down to her cellphone.She was playing Cookie Jam and was currently trying to beat Clint's high score.

'So,there's a bag full of files and a horror story behind it...and since Steve's on the hunt for The Winter Soldier ,I'm guessing this has something to do with it',she said.

'And you're right as usual.Before we get down to business though...has Steve been acting different lately?',Fury asked.

'As in distant and erratic then the answer's yes',Natasha said.Fury sighed,stood up from his table.

'Come walk with me...this is going to be a tough pill to swallow'.

\--

When Natasha walked out,an agent dressed as her with a similar body type walked in and slipped something into her pocket.Soon after she got into the back of the car,she saw Miller in the front.He looked surprisingly young,short wavy brown hair,brown eyes and rather nondescript,though he was on the handsome side.Nothing remarkable,a forgettable face.

He was the perfect cover agent.

When Natasha sat down,she smiled a small one,this wasn't the time for that.Nick nodded and gestured to the front.

"I'm sure you peaked at the files,but to confirm,this is Agent Marcus Miller.He's one of the newbies,but on the senior side,been with us for longer than you and the Avengers.He was one of the  
agents who  first figured out there were spies in SHEILD,so he's damn good at what he does",he said.

"It's an honor to finally meet you face o face instead of undercover",he said.Natasha admitted that he had a nice smile; luckily he wasn't the type to

smile much.

"You too...though now that you mention it,I've seen your face exactly twenty six times over the past five years,five times you were in disguise",she said.

"Not bad...saw you thirty-two and four you were in deep cover",he said.Whether he was lying or not,she could not tell.Though she said nothing on it made her uncomfortable.Instead,she gave a slight smirk.

"You really are good.You managed to spot me without my knowledge",she said.

"Sniper",he said.And it was then that she understood why he was here.

"Use a sniper to catch a sniper.Makes sense",she said.

"That it does.But I'll cut to the chase.Miller has recently spotted the Winter Soldier",Nick said.

"Really?",Natasha asked skeptical.

"Yeah.I was there when he busted out of Hydra and just two days ago,he trashed a Hydra base in the middle of the night while I was undercover.What bothered me was that he knew I was SHEILD",Miller said.

"That was probably Rumlow's doing.Not an issue...for now",Nick said.

"Wait,what?"Natasha said.

"Just listen a moment.Rumlow,myself and anyone else working for SHEILD had been weakening  his programming over the years by introducing him to things Bucky Barnes was familiar with,favorite foods,places,things like that.Meeting Steve Rogers was the last phase of the plan...though it obviously hadn't gone how we expected",he said.

"It's alright...nobody saw it coming",she said.

"Except Hydra...",Fury added.Natasha was already feeling the bitter taste of anger but it was impossible to detect on stoic features.

"How long?",she said.

"The Cold War.Howard Stark was nearly assassinated by The Winter Soldier.And since then,he had been deciphering ways to bring him back.Specifically a list of triggers that would bring out Barnes and any other agents.

For  some reason,one of them his is pepper mints",Fury said.

"Steve said when they were kids,Bucky use to love them,and would collect as many free ones he could around Christmas and keep them in a metal tin.He said 'They taste like cold'",she said.

"And knowing what became of him? That's damn scary",Miller said.

"Never liked peppermint,now I found a reason not to",Fury said.

"Same boat here",Miller added.

"Anyway,where was I? Right...Over the years,the list of triggers was passed down,added to and said triggers were continuously introduced to Barnes.Eventually though,it came to a stop because our deep cover agents feared his safety.The more he remembered,the more they wiped him",Fury said.

"Rumlow was the last person to work on Barnes so of course he'd be the one to get him out of Hydra's hands.But he lost the Soldier during the chase.We found him again,finishing a Hydra base off in Virginia ",Miller said,

Natasha for her part,knew Brock Rumlow to be a decent man.Was one of SHEILD's best agents,that's.He also looked after the Avengers,particularly Steve when he clearly wasn't looking after himself.Part of her was hoping he was on their side,but after what happened with Hydra,there was no telling who was who.

"Rumlow was a decent operative.But like many others,Hydra had something over him.He was ex-military and stationed in Sakovia when they tracked him down after an assignment for SHEILD.He was discharged after a bombing killed his family.Except they didn't die",Fury said.He handed Natasha a folder,gestured for her to open it.Inside of it was the image of a young man and woman who she knew well.

"The Maximoff twins...but Rumlow's hardly old enough to be their father",she said.

"Right.He's older than we think.Turns out that he was operating during the Cold War.You know the story about that,what with the Agent Grant,The Shadow Patriot and his partner Crossbones.Crossbones was with the CIA and Grant was a SHEILD Agent before Bones made it to SHEILD.Both were disavowed",Fury said,as Natasha went through photos.She paused when she looked at one of a man adjusting his blazer with his cigarette in his mouth,long brown hair tucked behind his ears.It was hard to tell,but Natasha knew the body language,the way the man held his cigarette,tilt of his head.

"Agent Rumlow is Crossbones",she said quietly.

"That's right.And Hydra got their hands on him,wiped his head,experimented on him and made him a sleeper agent in exchange for his family's safety.The Maximoff twins area product him being forced to inseminate a woman known as 'Madame Hydra'.But what they didn't know was that Peggy Carter came in contact with him years ago,weakened his conditioning, and talked him into becoming one of us again",he said.

"So Rumlow,is he loyal? Can he be trusted?",she said.',Fury said,glancing out the window.He handed her another folder.

"Yes he can ,but only if we get his kids come first,which we're working on.It's the Shadow Patriot we have to worry about",he said.

"Okay,but what does all this have to do with Steve?",she said.

"The Shadow Patriot was first mentioned in 1990.He worked under the CIA until he got into a confrontation with the Winter Soldier.He then ,transferred to SHEILD in an attempt to get close to the Soldier,where he stayed until 1997.After The Soviet Union fell,The Winter Soldier was put on ice again so he couldn't get to him because no one knew what happened to him .

But Rumlow was a close friend of Agent Grant,and a double Agent bringing Hydra members to our side,he attempted something risky;  find the  Winter Soldier and get him to defect to the United States and he succeeded",he said.

"So...The Winter Soldier was one of the good guys?"she said.

"Rumlow followed Howard's Algorithm and managed to break down some of his programming,enough for him to recognize Peggy Carter who wanted to help him.But then Rumlow was caught in 2000 and Hydra...re purposed him again.They also got the Shadow Patriot and took back the Winter Soldier in 2002",he said quietly.

"In 2007,The Soldier and The Patriot escaped Hydra and went missing.In 2010 we finally caught up to Grant; he was found shot in the head and left to die.Barnes was nowhere to be found.SHEILD doctors recovered him and did what they could to save him .He was in a coma for an entire year and when he awoke,he had no memory of being the Shadow patriot.Only that he was Captain America",Fury said handing her another set of pictures.

Steve Grant Rogers and James Alexander Grant were identical to the point it was impossible to miss.Grants's hair thou was dark brown and curly,a stubble on his face seemed permanent,plus and his eyes were dead.That was the only difference But Natasha had seen that look in his eyes before,so she knew.

Natasha was genuinely shocked.She had a feeling this is what was coming but she was hoping Fury would steer it in some other direction.That didn't happen.

"Steve Rogers is the Shadow Patriot and doesn't even know it",she said.

"Yeah,looks that way",Miller said.

"Far as we know ,yes"Fury  said.

Natasha felt her blood run cold.

The Shadow Patriot was even more covert than the Winter Soldier and was said to be just as,if not more deadly.

He was the only target that The Winter Soldier hadn't killed,the unfinished mission.Him and Nick Fury and Nick was a close call.She had read the files of The Patriot being the perfect sleeper agent.more so than even Romanov herself.

Anytime she was fooled into thinking Steve was alright up until about a month ago,she agreed he was not to be fucked with.

"What do I have to do?",he said,her voice cracked.A small piece of her wanted to cry because she knew this wouldn't end well.Always knew but now there was a tragedy in the making and it had set in ,well before she was even born.It was good that the Red room took the tears away forever.

"Keep an eye on Rogers, find out what Hydra did to him if you can.Far as we know,him and The Winter Soldier were kept in the same containment cell and trained together for years.This combined withe their friendship mean if Barnes is too far gone,Rogers absolutely won't do what needs to be done",Fury said and Natasha let that sink in.

"So,there's a chance he could turn on us?",she said quietly.

"I don't want to believe it either.But we have to be prepared for anything.This is dirty business and this is a thing that happens",he said.

Natasha thought of how not even a year ago,Steve had yet to trust her.But recently,with her and Sam ,they built something special,something beautiful and it was all going to pieces.

Part of her wished that Bucky had stayed a ghost.But at the same time she remembered what he did for her ...

She wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for her

_'Once you leave Moscow,you go to America little one,that is where you will be safe...there will be people waiting for you',James,Ivan said as he stuffed her into a box.Moments later he shut the lid and gunshots rang out.Her training told her to return to her masters,her heart said to save him.But his eyes told her to stay put,stay down and don't move a muscle.That_ _was the last time Natalia sobbed in the dark.  
_

"The Winter soldier said he was looking for Steve,his exact words being '.tell them that,and tell Captain Rogers...tell Stevie I'm coming home'.That means that he'll be coming to us.When the time comes,be ready to capture him",Miller said,snapping her from her thoughts.

She slipped,that was dangerous.It will not happen again.

This is a lie,but a good one.

"He'll fight back",Natasha says.

"He will,and we know what the last option would be.But nobody wants it to come to that.No one.Especially not Rogers.Last thing we need is to make an enemy out of him",Fury said.

"I agree",she asked.Fury nodded  grimly.For her,this wasn't just business anymore.It was more reason for Nick to take caution.

"It's bothered me for some time,him not remembering his life as James Grant,especially with Hydra involved.But after the way Hydra came down on him recently,even if he knows something,he's an enemy of Hydra and that's good enough for me.

If Barnes is safe,I think we can manage Rogers.What we do need to worry about the most is Hydra in general and the fact that Rumlow is now rogue and far as we know,he's been disavowed",he said.

"He'll want to get to his children first.It's his only weakness",Natasha said.

"My thoughts exactly.That's where Clint is now,tracking them down.Once we reign them in,we can sit Rumlow down for a nice chat and know what's going on inside his head",Fury said,eyes out the window again.Natasha's eyes slid out too,,but there was nothing to see.

"We're at your stop",Miller said .

"Alright ,thanks",Natasha said,preparing to leave.

"No problem...just...watch yourself around Rogers and Barnes,...I know about your past.Good luck,Romanov",he said.Natasha nodded.

"You too",she said.

As soon as the car drives off,Natasha turns to the parking lot and approaches a silver SUV.She knocks on the window and waited for the windows to roll down.

"You're an angel ,Sam",she said.

"Not everything with wings is an angel",he said.She smiles with her eyes only as he opened the door.

"Maybe,but it's hard to tell with you",she said,getting in.

* * *

 

The Winter Soldier stood outside the house that Steve stayed in, his heart fluttering.No...That was James Barnes being a pussy.

Bucky wanted to come in from the cold,leap into Stevie's little arms...no he was big now,his BIG arms..But the Soldier knew it was bad for his mission,a weakness for Hydra.

The Asset wanted to do away with the weakness.

Cool air whipped his hair about,cold as he felt then.He cracked his fingers,wondered if he should turn back.

He swallowed hard,wiped blood from his cheek,tasted it.

Pepermints were a better red than blood.

Popping a disk into his mouth,he turned away .

 

 

 

 


	4. The Making of a Weapon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky finally reaches out to Steve and Tony is confronted by The Black Widow.As it turns out,Tony himself has a very intimate and personal connection to Project Winter Soldier and the Winter Soldier himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay,first off,I was on hiatus forever because life was just bad.I couldn't write,it's hard for me even now ,but I need some kinda thearapy because my father just passed away.So please,I am not feeling up to par,just to put that out there.Also I had to gko redig in notes to get this ight,but idk if I did it.Tony is in this chapter and so is Pepper ,but I think she may be a little OOC,because I am NOT use to writing her.As for Tony,he's out of it because his head's been tampered with and he has a dark past with the Black Widow,The Shadow Patriot,amd the Winter Soldier,which he hardly remembers.
> 
> Now as for the chapter...
> 
> I like nto believe that the Winter Soldier has defected from Hydra before.And if I'm correct this is comic book cannon.I also borrowed some other things from the comic like Bucky being a black ops soldier during the war.That's all in here,just my own version of it.

 

 

 

 

 

  
_It came in flashes.The train moved so. fast,so fast.There was something ...._

_Bucky always had better instincts.He took fire first ,but was faster than before,which was wrong becasue he was sick as a dog after Steve got him back from HYDRA and he stopped eating.,But when the time came,he remembers Bucky gunning for the enemy and going for cover as smooth as breathing without hesitation._

_Then there's blue light...the blast,then_  
_hanging for his life and falling to the snow below._

_Steve reached out ,reached with everything he had but it was too late,James Barnes was falling to his death...at least that was what he thought._

 

_Images of the horrible videos he'd seen from the Hydra bases flashed through his mind.Screaming,begging,the hoses,shock collar.They even made him fight wild animals ,bears and wolves to test his strength which resulted in him being dragged bloody across floors and...  
_

\--

 

 

"BEEP!BEEP!BEEP!'

The sound of the alarm was the only thing that dragged Steve from that nightmare.Shaken ,he sat up,still clutching the sheets,trying to calm his nerves.

Moments later ,his door slid shut,and he glanced up unsurprised by who was there.

"I'm fine ,Natasha.Thanks",Steve said.She just sighed and brought over the cup of hot chocolate he smelled from the hallway.

"Sam's making breakfast",she said,sitting on the edge of the bed.Steve quickly collected himself before taking the cup.

"Good,I'll be down soon",he said.She smiled,a genuine one,he knows because it reaches her eyes.

"Don't take too long or else I'll hunt you down",she called

"Alright",Steve called.

Steve reached into me pocket and took out the note she had given him.

_-Come find me Stevie-_

It said and there was an address on.

With shaking hands,Steve closed crumpled the note like he always did,got up and went down stairs as if nothing was happening.

\--

It was after breakfast when Sam approached him,approached Steve who was reeling from the letter he received.

"Before I leave for work,I want you to promise that you'll try to get some sleep ,least enough to do something about this",Sam said pointing at the bags under his eyes.Steve sighed.

"Know it's hard...I couldn't sleep for the longest after...him",Sam said,a moment his eyes looked far away.

"I couldn't either..during the war it was like.."

"Your world just fell to peices...and you wake up sometimes,wake up thinking de'd be right next to you and everything would be alright...but it's not",Sam said and Steve could feel his words with startling clarity.He hung his head ,Sam nodded.A hand on Steve's shoulder ,their eyes met.

"Think of it this way,Cap.You get to start over,you can have him back,and for that I'm happy for you.But right now you need to be at your best because even if Bucky remembers,Hydra's not gonna just hand him over easy.You need to be able to save him and being able to be vigilant would really come in handy about now.We both seen the battle field so you know what I'm talking about.This thing with Hydra...it's War",Sam said.

And he was right.A potentially losing war ,because god knows that they were pout manned and outgunned when it came to Hydra.

"I gotcha.Just...memories...I keep thinking if I'd only went back..".Steve said.

"But you couldn't.And even if you did,I got the feeling that Hydra were gonna come back for Barnes regardless. After what they did to him during the war...there was no way in hell they would've let him walk.Either way,you got your second chance.Make the best of it",Sam said patting his arm.He then turned away to grab his coat.

"I do have some stuff to wrap up at work.Try to take it easy while I'm out,do somethin' good for yourself.I'll be back by eight tonight",he said.

"Alright...thanks",Steve said ,a genuine smile on his face.Sam returned it,and waved as he headed for the door.Before he left though he was arming himself with enough concealed weapons to set off every metal detector within a five mile radius.

"Soldier's always gotta be prepared",he said with a chuckle as hi hid a knife in the sleeve of his jacket.After that,he strapped some clips around his legs,hiding them under cargo pants,before adding another combat knife somewhere inconspicuous. He did this like it was routine,like it was natural.And it reminded Steve that even if Sam had a good heart and kind soul,he was still a soldier through and through.

"Take it easy,Cap",he said before heading out with his satchel.

"I will",Steve said,more to himself.

* * *

_  
_

_I can do this shit all day "'Rumlow said ,pacing the floor.The Winter Soldier stood behind him arms crossed,hair falling into his face and all his hatred pouring from his eyes._

_"Well,that's nice and all,but I can't.I've got some more skulls to break for 'fore the day's out.So hurry the fuck up and cry like a pussy and spill your secrets so I can get out of here",Winter said,in Bucky's voice,a voice that Rumlow remembers clear as day murked in fog._

_Fuck that chair,fuck the drugs,the mind wipes (him and Rollins got em' too )and FUCK Hydra._

_This is what he thought as went for his knife.Suddenly Rumlow came with a round house kick and his victim fell to the floor,chai and all,terrified._

_"When we're done with you,..you'll wanna kill yourself..."_

_\--_

It was harder without Barnes here,harder pill to swollow .

Everyone was scared shitless of Winter...especially when Barnes came out.

Because Barnes was in control and made decisions and he kills you as Barnes?  It means he made the executive decision to do it his damn self.This is probably why even though he was so young and had (and sometimes still has) these big cute eyes and this -i adore you - smile that he was seriously not to be fucked with.

From what Brock knows of Sergeant Barnes...he was the one who handled interrogations in his Howling Commando days .And if Steve remembered this and was still in love with him like he claims to be?

Than he was the Shadow Patriot before he ever lost that shield.

So this wasn't the first time Brock's done an extreme interrogation,but something about the way Bucky did it made it...less terrifying...

No...wrong word.

Rumlow's been at this shit since his time in the Red Room,been doing it since he could hold a knife.

He'd say entertaining,but at this point,he hardly had feeling to this sort of thing.All he knew was that with Barnes nearby ,it as easier,mostly becasue he was off his fucking rocker (and if his uncle Pietr is anything to go by,he was bat-shit crazy before he even set foot in the army.There was that old rumor of a killer that lurked the streets of Brooklyn back in the day called Mr.Snow,but the history books confirmed that while he lived in that neighborhood,there's no evidence

But Winter wasn't here now,so he had to up the ante.

"You'll kill me anyway...:,the man said.

"You know I was thinking of that,but nah...I don't think I'm gonna kill ya'",Rumlow said,playing with the bloody knife in his hands.

"Y-yeah right! I know how you guys are! I know how the black ops operate...you're crazy,all of you!",he said.

"Like I said...I've.Got.All.Day",Rumlow said.

A curious look came over his face and he took his knife to his captive's hand.

"I could just put one clean shot through your head...Like I did Anderson,and Cho,and Ericson,and Leland...but where is the fun in that?",he said as his blade came toward the man.

"No! No! no-no-no-no-AHHHH!"

_'Winter laughing as he screams became background music,grinning at the guy as he held his bloodied finger and shoved it in his mouth.Brock was horrified,but didn't show it.._

_'Why so sadistic,Winter?',Rumlow asked once they were back in the car._

_'Fifty years of hatin' a mutherfucker'll do that to ya',Barnes said,casually lighting up a cigarette,He burned their victim with it before he kicked jis chair down and took out his gun._

_"_ I'll ask you again.The Shadow Patriot...what is the trigger phrase?",Rumlow asked,CASUALLY tossing fingers away.

"F-fiat iustitia et pereat mundus!",the man saib between sobs.

"And the breaker code is?",Rumlow asked

"P-pax tecum!",he said.Rumlow gave a grim smile and stood ,whiping his bloody knife on his prisoner.Moments later,he took another drag from his cigarette and burned it on his victim.The screams were nothing.

Rumlow and Winter bothe screamed louder than that before.

Just as he rose a bullet shattered a hole in the window and took him in the skull,instantly killing him.Rumlow hardly reacted,just kicked his leg to se if he was dead.Hewas.

"Thanks Winter ",he said quietly.

"James...my name...it's James Barnes .My freinds called me Bucky",he said.Even with enhanced hearing ,Rumlow didn't even hear him coming.

"So you remember...how much ?",he said.

"Lotta things,but I don't know what,s real ",he said,eyes cast to the ground ,his rifle to his side.

"Fine.Help me smoke this place and we,ll go for a walk ",Rumlow said.

"Alright",Bucky answered.  
.....

By the time the police and fire fighters showed up,Bucky and Rumlow were both long gone.Out on the road,in a car that was stolen like half the stuff they had on the person .

"It's getting harder now",Bucky said quietly leaning against the window.

"Hm?",Rumlow said,focusing on the road.

"Killikng people.Its getting harder.Use to be just hit the target and get the prize or just get it over with...use to be different.Now I know why Bucky...why I was a sniper..from a distance just ,boom...and hit the ground.But now? i think I remember what death is ",Bucky siad.

"You were a soldier,you know "Rumlow said.

"Yesh...sometimes.Staying alive makes you not think about guttin' the guy two feet away.Not like now...or then..I just hunted all those people down ",Bucky said his voice cracked.

 

 

"Not your fault.They did this to you",Rumlow asnwered.

 

"Maybe.But I don't know if I believe it",he said quietly.

 

* * *

 

"And to what do I owe this lovely visit ,Ms.Romanov? Looking so lovely as usual",Tony said as  tampered with one of his suits.He lifted up his mask and turned off the blow torch

 

"First off,you're not looking at me ,and second,I;'m not sleeping with you ,Tony",she said with an amused smirk on her face.

 

"What,.I can't admire a woman's charms? I have no nefarious intentions",he said.

 

"Of course you don't" ,Natasha said pacing the lab.

 

"Not at the moment,no.So....this?",he said,takling off heavy gloves.He grabbed a bottle of water off of his work bench ad threw it to Natasha before grabbing another from a nearby cooler.

 

"You know about the Winter Soldier,Hydra ,the SHEILD fallouyt.Everything's in shambles and I know you've been going through SHEILD filesz from even before then.It's gonna come a time when people are gonna ask the question.You know which one",she said.Tony frowned,took another gulp of water,wiped his brow with a nearby rag.

 

"What to do with the Winter Soldier? Simple.Put him down",Tony said,.Natasha's jaw clenched but not visibly.

 

"So you believe a seventy year amnesiac  prisoner of war forced to commit brutal acts of violence against his will is a terrorist?",Natasha asked completely neutral.

 

"No.I'm saying a terrorist is a terrorist and terrorists need to be eliminated.Even if he's on the run from HYDRA and wants to go clean,there;s no telling when he's going to snap.He's powerful and dangerous.The fact that it's possible for one man to dao that",Tony said.

 

"Steve can do worse,should he be put down?",Natasha aksed.

 

"Depending on the circumstance at hand,yes.But Steve's Steve so that won't be happening any time soon.AS swig of water and Tomy reaches for a screw driver.

 

"So depending on the circumstances....do you think that you should be put down? Or Rhodey or Thor  ....Bruce? Even Pepper with Extremis",Natasha asked.Tony tensed up ansd bit his lip.

 

"Okay,I see where this is going.I'll bite.You wanna help the Winter Soldier.I don't know if I can do that",he said.

 

"Maybe",she said pacing.

 

"Maybe not",she added.

 

"What's that suppose to mean?",Tony said.

 

"Howard's Algorithm",she said.

 

"What?",he said.

 

"What is the definition of a weapon?",Natasha asked.

 

No answer.

 

Tony blinked slowly,a slight sting in his ear catching him off guard,

 

"Anything used against an opponent, adversary, or victim.Anything can be weapon its a matter of proper usage",he said literally automatically as if it were programmed into him.Natasha smirked quick and brief a slight quirk of lips lasting less than a second.

 

"That's correct",she said.

 

"and this had what to do with Howard's Algorithm? Which for the love of god,wasn't even a real thing.String of theories with no actual evidence.I know because I checked it .Years,no decades ago",Tony said.

 

"Did you? The purpose of Howard's Algorithm is that it how to make humans into weapons,how to tear them apart and make them nothing.Also  how to reverse the process.He was the one who started it.Project Winter Soldier",she said.

It was no secret that the Stark name had done many ,many cruel things with their weapons.The Manhattan project for one and the very exisytance of Captain America being another triumphant failure of their that affected the world so adversely.

 

"No....no,no I am NOT listening to this from you of all people,Romanov.Get out of my lab",he ground out.

 

"Fine..Don't.But listen to it from  him",she said.From her coat,she took out a set of disks on the table and left the room.

 

"JARVIS,make sure she goes straight for the exit,no pit stops",Tony said.

 

"Yes ,sir:,JARVIS answered,

 

After several minutes of glaring in that general direction,Tony snatched up the disks threw them in the drawer and slammed it shut.He buried his face in his hands and went straight to the cooler by the armor.With bare hands ,he reached to the bottom and pulled out a bottle of whisky.He took one shot.

 

Then another .

 

Then another,and more.

 

He evenetually shoved the shot glass away and started drinking form the bottle.

 

When he was warm enough,light enough,he wwnt back to the drawer.He opened his laptop and put the first disk in .

 

_\---  It was black and white and old and grainy adding to that the sound was horrible.They tried to remaster it the best they could and it worked to some degree.But only so much can be done to a film that old.The camera was shaky,and lighting was poor.There were five of them.Five young ,terrified looking men,or more like boys,looking like nervous wrecks,looking innocent.They looked like lambs being sent to the slaughter._

_The camera pans away from them and is mounted before Howard Stark looking far too young ,looking just like Tony walked into the screen,his suspenders down_

_"The definition of a weapon is anything used against an opponent, adversary, or victim.In this war,we are not taking vitims,making victiums.We are fighting a powerful adversary and powerful opponants.And for that we will need powerful weapons.Powerful weapons that can infiltrate the enemy without them knowing._

_We need human weapons",Howard said. ---_

 

Tony clutched the ends of his chair,his jaw set.

 

_\---- "This is how we will make one.This how we can make a man into a weapon",Howard said._

_The camera flips through several reels of soldiers running obstacle courses among other things.It seemed pretty normal ._

 

_"To test the effectiveness,we took men who were kind and earnest and had potential.Smart,good with their hands because how else do you hold a gun?",Howard said and there were chuckles in the audience._

 

_"So far there have been several who qualified,but none who could do what needed to be done.Until we found him",Howard said.He lead a group with the jumping camera to a young man was sitting in what appeared to be an interrogation room with his wrists bound in shackles.The man who was barely a man looked up  .He was terrified and covered in what Tony prayed wasn't blood,but knew despite it being in black and white._

 

_"This man has motive and reason,fights for a cause.This man is our Winter Soldier",Howard said ._

_The scene jumped to Howard approaching the boy who was afraid and hyperventilating._

_"I-I said I was sorry! It was an accident,I was just protecting Steve! Howard,ya' gotta believe me",he pleaded._

_The young man was None other than James Buchanan Barnes himself,before he even enlisted.This wasn't Sargeant Barnes,it was Bucky,the kid from 'round the way that Steve use to always speak of ._

_"I know son.I believe every word of it,that's why I wanna bail you out",Howard said._

_"R-really?",he said hopeful._

 

_"Yes,I can.But it's only temporary...if I do this,you have to leave the country ,do you understand me?",Howard said._

_"B-but I can't leave Stevie all alone,Howard!You know this!",Bucky said,anger creeping into his voice.Howard sighed._

_"There's no time ,Barnes.It's the only way...either that or..no.No I won't even suggest it",Howard said._

_"Suggest what? What's the plan,Stark?",he asked._

_"I'll let the Colnel talk to you",Howard said._

_"You mean from the military?!",Bucky said,sounding horrified._

_"Like I said,you don't have to.You can come with me and I'll take you away from here,Steve will be taken care of I promise you",he said.For a moment,Bucky hesitated,then He closed his eyes solemnly._

_"No...no sorry ,no deal.I'll speak to the Colnel",he said._

There was more to the film but Tony had already slammed the laptop off the table.He fell back in his seat,leaned back and continued drinking from the bottle.

 

 

_\---_

_\---_

It took Tony a total of two days to force himself to watch the films,and even then I couldn't finish them,he was too disgusted with it,with what they had done to Barnes.Basically ,he watched his own father roping an underraged Bucky Barnes ,a child into joining a war he never wanted to fight all because he wanted to protect his sickly friend,who ironically was dragged into another twisted government experiment ,meaning Bucky's sacrifice was for nothing.Tony Stark was not a good man,he knew this ,he knew this well.But what happened to Barnes was just left a bad taste in his mouth stronger than any liquor or stupidly expensive dish he's ever eaten.Worse,the enemy,HYDRA turned around and took their most elite operative,the Winter Soldier and for the last half a century,had been using him to systematically destroy the very nation that birthed him.

Tony eventually gave up,retired to his room and failed to sleep for a while before going back to the lab.Once in,he turned on the news,if only to see what lies were being spun at this very moment.

 

_"The Asset as indicated in the recent files released to public,also known as 'The Winter Soldier' is still at large.Though it has been months since he last made an appearance,many of his fellow HYDRA Agents have been handed over to and apprehended by world governments.People are asking questions..."_

 

Tony wasn't even paying attention to the news anymore,it didn't matter.The world was burning in so many ways,and Tony was already oh so paranoid,so paranoid.And none of that mattered.All that mattered was

 

_Winter Soldier_

 

_Winter Soldier_

 

_He remembered walking through that empty house,through the garden and to that forbidden place where he lay,where he lie,the man with the missing arm and blue eyes._

 

Tony shook it off.Now was not the time for dreams,no matter how beautiful.

 

He went back to tinkering with the metal arm.

 

Of all his creationsof all he had created,all the weapons,things that kill all the ways the Stark legacy had helped to ruin the world .to burn it down so much faster.Even his armors,those things that gave him power,the illusion of being invincible maybe

 

(and oh so fragile because you are only humana weak,cowardly ,disgusting--)

 

...this was the only creation he could say he had affection for them.Even the cold armor...just build another,build another..

 

But for this,he could never-

 

"Miss Potts is approaching",JARVIS said.Tony drank directly from his bottle and went back to the arm.

 

"Lock the doors",he said quietly.

 

Another screw out,put a new one in,tighten,tighten

 

_the bells chime slowly as the song cues..._

_"What's this one?",the one armed man said as Tony twenty years younger was speaking He continues working on on the arm.._

 

"What's this one?",Tony asked.

 

"Hell's Bells ,by ACDC.Do you want to change?",JARVIS said.

 

"Nope",Tony takes a sip of his liquor "keep it goin'",he said.

 

**I'm rolling thunder pouring rain  
I'm coming on like a hurricane**

 

Another screw tightens,Tony's tapping his foot to the beat and in his mind Winter's doing the same.

 

**My lightning's flashing across the sky**  
**You're only young but you're gonna die**  
**I won't take no prisoners won't spare no lives**  
**Nobody's putting up a fight**

 

The volume is maddening loud now and Tony nod's his head now and all sound falls away besides him and the song _.His mind drifts a bit and he can see him in the old house with black rimmed eyes swinging wild brown locks_

 

  
**I got my bell I'm gonna take you to hell  
I'm gonna get ya satan get ya**

**Hells bells**  
**Hells bells, you got me ringing**  
**Hells bells, my temperature's high**  
**Hells bells**

 

"TONY!",Pepper calls.

 

Nothing

 

"TONY!"

 

_"Dance with me ,Tony",he said,hair hanging wild,his eyes smeared and grinning.A shoulder hung from his oversized shirt exposing the metal arm ,the one Tony made that fit so perfectly for a  just a brief moment.It was Tony's most beautiful and prized creation,with it's smoothness and mobility perfectly mimicking one made of flesh_

 

_"I can't dance ,Barnes,.not drunk enough yet.",Tony said._

_"Then let's get drunk!",Winter said and shoved the bottle he was drinking from to Tony.A huge swig and..._

_"Still  not drunk enough...but I like watchin' you though",he said_

 

_"Oh yeah? Well tell me if you like what you see...",Winter-in his Bucky voice was flirting with him.He still not sure if it was real or not.But that damn song is bleeding through everything...._

 

**I'll give you black sensations up and down your spine  
If you're into evil you're a friend of mine**

 

Tony vaguely remembers that he stabbed a man in self defense,remembered how good it felt with this song playing from his car.Oddly ironic...

 

"TONY!"

 

**See the white light flashing as I split the night**  
**Cause if good's on the left then I'm sticking to the right**  
**I won't take no prisoners won't spare no lives**

 

A quick glance of the footage on the tv screen,the Winter Soldier at work as he fixes another

plate.Planes are exploding and it's surreal.

 

"Definitely no prisoners",he said but it was drowned in the music

 

**Nobody's puttin' up a fight**  
**I got my bell I'm gonna take you to hell**  
**I'm gonna get ya satan get ya**

**Hells bells**  
**Hells bells, you got me ringing**  
**Hells bells, my temperature's high**  
**Hells bells**

 

Pepper finally gives up and storms off as Tony finishes the bottle,and throws it somewhere.The moment he stands,he staggers and the world is tettering.

 

This is normal,he could handle this...he could handle this...

 

" _Anthony,kiss me..."_

 

And then he ran for the toilet.

 

\---

 

After throwing up and passing out and throwing up again and drinking water,Tony sat on the edge of the shower,eyes to the floor ,eyes closed  and the metal arm lying gently across his lap.

 

The dreams hen had were getting too vivid and then there was the attack and the man with the metal arm who could NOT possibly in a million years be his Winter from his dreams because they were just dreams...weren't they?

 

Weren't they?

 

Because why the hell would Tony be having dreams about a man who looked like the Winter Soldier,but acted like someone else...acted like....

 

_There was that one black and white video that Howard kept watching,the one with Captain America.Howard was an old man ,ancient man form another time and he was watching the world changing,breaking and he had done it,he had helped it happen.These were old times,innocent times..._

_Ignorant times,_

_When Howard was gone,Tony would go to the basement and watch the videos,all of them.He wanted to know what was so much better about Steve than him.Why was Captain America the son that he wanted and Tony was just plain old Tony who Howard could never spare a glance._

_He watched over and over and never found the answer until he was a man and he realized the truth._

_But at the time ,he didn't know.What he did know was the moment he laid eyes on James Buchanan Barnes his heart started pounding in a way it only ever did for the girls he chased (and sometimes Rhodey )._

_He had a smile that lit up the room and could even make Captain America himself bashful with just a glance.Tony felt himself getting lost in his eyes just like Steve was and..._

 

Tony's eyes snapped open and he immediately scrambled from the tub.

 

* * *

 

"Worried about him again ,Rhodey...no,not like this.Tony locking himself in the lab is normal Tony stuff....it's not just that...the lab didn't explode and he didn't come at me shoving a new invention my face in weeks.Yes...he's distracted by something and he won't tell me...I know typical Tony,right?....I think I'm gonna go have a look around,but I'll nedd an opening.Yeah,there's a galan next week and a press conference.You get a hold of Tony and I'll get into that lab...thanks Rohdey...you really are a true friend.Thank you",she said.

 

"JARVIS,where's Tony?",Pepper asked as she hung up the phone and grabbed her tablet.

 

"He just left ,Miss Potts",the AI said.

 

"Did he say where?",she asked,knowing the answer.Tony always usually told Pepper when he was going out her or JARVIS.

 

"No,Miss Potts,he did not.However,I believe I may be able offer assistance",the AI spoke.

 

On a n nearby screen ,surveillance showed Tony leaving the premises on foot not bothering with a car.

 

He knew he would be followed.

 

"I have reason to believe that he may be heading to one of the family estates.Which one,I am not certain,but-

 

"Thanks JARVIS",she said and grabbed her keys,heading out the door.

\---

* * *

 

 

 


	5. Black Holes and Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony Stark goes to the old vacation home in search of answers,likewise Bucky turns to Peggy Carter who happens to have more than a few secrets under her blanket.Steve is finally on his way to meet Bucky,and nothing will stand in his way.Meanwhile,Barnes is still after Hydra,but starting to lose his nerve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took forever,tried to edit it right this time.Hope you enjoy :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tony Stark was running on coffee and energy drinks and madness as per usual.

This was normal.

But this time,he hadn't told Pepper a thing which is at this point abnormal.While they both loved each other (and Rhody too),Tony had his moments when he did stay secluded because that was the way he was.

But this was different.

This was Tony going to dig for something he shouldn't be digging for ,for something that was meant to be gone.

This was Tony facing up to denial for once,for ONCE and owning up to something he had done and now feeling the way it ate ,chewed and controlled his life.

 

By the time Tony arrived at the old run down vacation home,his heart was pounding with anticipation.

This is where Winter use to stay

 _Winter,not Winter Soldier..It couldn't be his Winter not his James,his Jamie,his--_

 __

He dug for the old keys,shoved open the door which creaked far too loud and left a clean trail through dust.

"Definitely needs a cleanup crew in here.I'm probably getting cancer from this",he joked under his breath.But never the less he shut the door,tested the lights,again,old fashioned,ancient like the wooden floorboards and outdated faded wallpaper.

He glanced around,not a thing stirred,it looked as he left it...

 _Except the last time he entered the place Winter greeted him at the door with a smile that made Tony feel like he was losing himself and a kiss on his temple--_

 __

Tony pushed the thought away and moved forward.

The first place he headed was the basement.This is where his father kept his things,his work where he told Tony to stay away from.

But it wasn't the army of old robots,the many parts and old ,browning sketches of designs made with now obsolete tech.No,none of that mattered.What mattered were all the other things in that other room where Tony knew damn well, he shouldn't be,the room that only Tony could find because Howard was a fool but he was not stupid,far from it.

It was the place behind the false heater,a nail that came up from the floor,that only a specific wrench,one Tony kept for years for this _very reason ._

 __  


He turned the screw lifted the floorboards and went down through the floor.Steep wooden stairs and a vastness,like a whole other world.There were old photos in back and white everywhere on walls and graying,some of them returning to color.It was dusty too,but way cleaner that upstairs..

He could see so manner photos of Peggy Carter,the Howling Commandos---Steve and Bucky too.

And Howard.

Howard and Steve smiling like best friends,Howard and Bucky in the lab in awe and poking at things the Tony should have been doing with his dad.Hard as it was ,he  pushed that old anger,that old hurt away.That's not what he came here for.

What he came for was at the far end in the steal double doors

Tony had only once gone to that room,only once gone in there.And when he did,his father dragged him away and actually pulled a belt on him and left him in a room and locked it.This wasn't normal,Howard was NOT abusive and some part of Tony wished he was because that would be a way of actually giving adamn about him.

As he stood in front of the double doors,Tony couldn't bring himself to open them,couldn't.It was much too painful the way it happen ,it was the hardest thing he'd ever done.

_"You're sick Winter--you're sick.Just let me help you,lemme help you!",Tony said._

__

_"No! No!My mission! You-re my mission! I-I"_

__

_"Jamie! Jamie please just calm down,okay? Please just_

__

_"Don't call me that!",he screeched ,digging his one good arm into his long wild tresses that covered most of his face,fell over his shoulders,his chest._

__

_"Winter--"_

__

_"Not Winter---Bucky",he said quietly.And then before Tony could do anything ,the Winter Soldier threw himself from the roof ,_

__

_"No! NO! NO!"_

__

_Tony heard it first,was too scared to look._

__

_Bucky's body slammed into the car ,headfirst through glass over top of the hood._

__

_Tony knows this because moving his body was the hard part._

__

_He stood a while,contemplating if he should go after him,if he should fling himself over the edge to be with his lover._

__

_It was only his beeper going off,Rhodey's name ,that made him reconsider._

__

_Rhody who Tony had lied to when he disappeared and holed himself up in the old house after his father's funeral.Rhody who was always there,a constant--Rhodey who would always understand because he always did._

__

_With shaking hands,Tony stood at a pay phone way far off,from where he was,so nobody would know a thing ,suspect a thing._

__

_"Rhodey...I'm sorry,I'm so sorry...but I need you so bad I just--please",he pleaded through sobs._

__

_"Jesus,Tony?! Tony is that you?! I thought you were shut off and---I just called and just prayed one day---god you sound terrible what the hell happened?!",Rhodey said._

__

_"I need you",he said again quietly._

_\----_

__

Tony Stark remembers when he and James Rhodes moved the body.Remembered throwing up,remembered crying.Remembered the mess,and telling Rhodey about his father's work.He guilted him by using the revelation that Winter was Bucky Barnes and lied about having the affair and said that the only way to honor him was too put him on ice because that's the way Steve went and when the time comes they would move the body.

He remembers being with Rhodey when they buried James Buchanan Barnes for good.

He also remembers digging up the grave and being shocked and horrified that he was still alive,though barely,in a deep coma.And he remembers setting up the ICU  himself to keep him for the time being.He also remembers that he flat-lined and that he himself as Iron man put Barnes back in the freezer,leaving him and the estate for good.

But he does NOT remember the dent in the metal doors or the random bullet holes through out the house that Tony chose to ignore in favor of quickly getting to the basement.

When Tony throws open the large freezer,he's assaulted by frigid cold,that freezer smell and dark,allo dark.Turning in the lights he walks in and inside he sees that there is a large,dirty green iron casket with so many pipes hooked too it.

What he saw next made his heart sink immediately.

After using all his natural strength to haul it open ,the glass lining inside was shattered and the black sheet was tossed aside.

Winter was gone.

So many things fell into place then.The old pictures,the files from Hydra ,the winter soldier program.There was absolutely NO denying that that monster,that insane killer and mass murderer was his James,his Winter.The war veteran who Tony fell in love with,the beautiful man who had him all those years ago,Jamie Winter aka James Buchanan Barnes (Tony knew this but he could never tell Winter the truth about who he was).

-he was the Winter Soldier.

_\--  
_

It's not that Tony didn't know,didn't suspect,but he really,really,really wanted this to not be true.How could  his Winter do theses things? Why would sweet old Bucky be a psycho killer? There was no logic there.

_Of course there was...Project Winter Soldier._

__

And yet and knowing this did Tony had come to a painful and horrifying truth.

This man was NOT his Winter anymore,no,no this was a monster--Hydra's monster.

And knowing what Hydra had done to his parents,to Peggy Carter and to others,there was no way Tony was going to idly let this by.

It was up to Tony himself to hunt the Winter Soldier.

 

And barring the Chitauhri,that black hole of pure darkness from whence they came--

 

the Winter Soldier--watching someone as beautiful as Bucky Barnes as loving and genuine as Winter,become a creature,an enslaved monster locked in a cage to be sicked on people like a rabid dog,the knowledge that this was at all possible to make a human weapon (Pepper,Extremeis,oh God-- _Pepper_ could have been this), reduce them to near nothing...This was the stuff of nightmares--

 

This was the thing that scared Tony the most.

 

That beneath all of creation achievement,all that human kind had done,that he had done,in the end,humanity was capable of the most unseemly evil.And that this evil ,was the Stark Legacy.

 

* * *

 

The man in the seat was shaken with fear even if his face didn't show it.But The Asset could smell,taste the sweat hear his heartbeat.Subtle changes in muscle movements thing nobody else would notice.

_Captain America would._

Staring down at your own executioner covered in blood would do that to a person though ,so it was expected.

 

"Hail H-hydra",he said weakly.

Barnes gave a smile that never reached his eyes and just shot him in the head,brains on the back of the wall.

   
He then went to his truck,came back with a gallon of gasoline for the warehouse and watched it burn , letting the rage burn with the building.

Part of him was disgusted at how easy this was becoming...kill after kill,after kill.To the point where he no longer feels vindicated.

The other part so thin and small but growing--it was becoming hard.His hands were shaking when he shot his target and he threw up all over the floor--But Hydra was a den of monsters so monster hunter,he had become

In the back of his mind a voice reminded him he was Hydra.

The fact that he would need to get rid of himself one day was becoming more appealing..

 

Tossing a peppermint disk in his mouth,he vanished into the night.

\--

The Winter Soldier had long sense left,long sense cleared the evidence of what he'd done

  
He couldn't do it,absolutely couldn't.

There was no way he could go back  like this.A broken tattered creature ,a mere ghost of the man that James Buchanan Barnes use to be.

He talked to Peggy ,who lets him hide out at her place when the heat comes too close.She tells him things about himself that use to be and at this point some that he will never be the same again.

But this hardly matters now that he's got the shakes and vomiting in the toilet.Peggy Carter is kneeling behind him ,holding his hair.

He remembers doing the same for her so many years before.

"The drugs...they kept me drugged most of the time",he said,retching into the toilet.Back then,in those dark ages,when he was a slave to Hydra...everything was about feeling,not thought.Even now,muscle memory is a heavy trigger,it was the thing that never went away...someone taught him to use it but...who?

"T-the serum fights off withdrawal ,spreads it out...but...s-sometimes it catches up to me...",and he's got his face in the bowl again.

 

He spends the next few hours, sitting there with  cups of tea and drinking orange juice and baking soda,and vitamins,enough to kick it back.The sickness reminds him he's human.

Bucky is grateful.

When he's done,he apologizes,cleans up,tries to make Peggy as comfortable as possible.When he's looking at the aging woman ,he knows..he's seen her younger.At some point young,vivacious and beautiful

(still beautiful ,if faded by time.Those eyes never stop shining brillantly except on the days when she forgets even her own name.In that regard,they're both alike).

He has seen her bit older than she was after the Nazis lost,when the gray had just started setting,her body less firm by child birth(and she had legs to _die_ for.He remembers burrying his face between those legs,spreading them wider and she hisses,clutches his hair...

He did this back in the 40's he thinks-maybe--when the world was dying fast and laterr when gray had just streaked her hair pulled into a bun until he let it fall loose and flat (hair that Bucky,Bucky and Sergeant Barnes,all know that use to be finger waves.The Soldier remembers she is a good fighter and the Asset sees a savior).  
..there's that and then there's hand's on his waist,gripping him,a hard body against his back,not hers...

they belong to a him.. __

__  


_(Stevie? But wasn't he smaller?)_

  
_  
_And Peggy Carter confirmed that all of that was true.

"What are you thinking?",she said.

"Am I...Bucky Barnes..he liked...did he like men the way he liked women?",he asked.

"Sargent Barnes loved people and loved life.Something like that hardly mattered to him when it came to it.I think that's why he was one of the few soldiers who never gave me a thing about being a lady in charge",she said.

"They never said it in any of the books",he said.Peggy sighed.

"That's because back then ...the world was different.The band of Thebes was said to be one of the strongest fighters to ever taste battle...yet on many accounts,many of the soldiers were lovers...all men",she said.The Asset shifts uncomfortably as he's looking at a picture of himself sitting far too close to a handsome dark haired man with a mustache and a air of confidence that he could just feel coming off the black and white,feel like...

"I know him",Barnes said.He did...he also remembers that he was one of those people who made his pulse jump in a way he is only just discovering isn't danger.

Peggy gently scoots over on her bed,hand on his shoulder...Barnes can't explain why he never once felt threatened by her presence...he knew people,knew her and certain ones bothered him.He surmised she was 'one of his dames' from back in the day....he was mostly right...

_Those nights of passion with her stolen in moments and with...the man in the photo?_

 

"That ,is Howard Stark.He was my closest friend once ...sometimes lover in a physical sense at some point but we knew where we stood.He was one of the greatest engineers to ever breath life,and had a heart of gold...or really silver.Good intentions,always but the results were sometimes--not what anyone expected...he cared about you very much..."

And the photo seems to come to life.

"That picture was taken at the Stark Expo,you went every year and you were completely enamored with anything science related ..at  some point Howard..."

He remembers...Bucky remembers...

_"At ease soldier.Stress will kill you before a rifle round",he had said.Bucky glances to the side and is star struck ._

__

_"Howard Stark?I um...sorry I..."_

__

_hand clamped on his shoulder and Bucky goes shy...which is weird because James Barnes was NOT shy.Or at least he never let it show...  
_

 

_"No problem.The future gets everyone excited,huh?",he said.Bucky nodded,trying not to outright grin._

_"I can see it in your eyes,the enthusiasm.If you kne your way around a wrench,I might be able to do something with you",Howard said._

__

_"Yeah...but somebody's gotta fight the war,right?",he said.A sigh from Howard,and Buck began to feel low._

__

_"Hey.how about this.Before you go kill some Nazis,I'll let you peak in my lab",Howard said.Bucky lit up instantly._

__

_"That'd be real swell,thank you sir",he said,smiling._

__

_"And with a smile like that,you should be in films",he said.  
_

  
_  
Howard was the man who taught James how to kiss a man properly and how to dance with one. And when he learned what he learned,he came back home to Stevie and swooped him off his feet --_

"Peggy?",he finally asked.

"Yes?",she said from he near sleep state.

"Stevie-I mean Steve.Captain America...were we lovers?",he said.

For it to not be true,he had an awful lot of memories of him and and a young blonde he called Stevie who were forever holding each other close like one false move and the other would fall into eternity.

"You'd have to ask him yourself,I'm afraid.I wouldn't know",she said distantly.He didn't understand what he had said wrong but apparently it meant something.

"I'm leaving now.Thank you",he said.

* * *

 

Barnes had been discovering a lot about himself lately.Like the fact that he had a thing for rock music,hated pop with a passion,would sit and listen to darkwave when meditating (which...who taught him to meditate in the first place? Certainly,not his captors...mark that down in his notes) .He also found out grave yards were regret place to hide and set up some safe houses in tombs because only a crazy person goes snooping around in grave yards.

After his stint with Hydra,Bucky was more than positive he was a crazy person.'

Along with that,only crazy people break into people's houses and use the bath tubs.He almost had a close call some nights before,but thanks to a locked door and a window escape, he was in the clear.

Some part of him distinctly told him,this was no way to live,but he couldn't come back to society,he could never do that.All he could do was pretend to be normal,pretend to be one of the endless masses and sees of faces that lie so people can like them.

Just like Bucky did.

The Asset is uncertain how he knows this,The Soldier hardly cares...Bucky is reminded of times he smiled and wandered off to fall to pieces because he knew in his heart,part of him was a sociopath,always was

_But isn't everybody ,when you think about it?_

__

And he stops right there.Hate ,disdain,leads to volatile emotions,memories of smiling handlers who would do cruel ,cruel things,while smiling,smiling away...

Bucky smiles.Smiles hard,the scary kind that makes people suspicious and fearful.Looks like the other Bucky with a hint of psycho (that he thinks he may have had LONG before the experiments....maybe...or this is another lie that he's telling himself so he feels less fucked in the head).

 So after a few armed robberies and stick ups ,which made Bucky feel bad...but the poor Brooklyn boy in him told him it was okay because he knows in his heart he has done this before.That,gambling,anything to make ends meet.

 

_(anything for Stevie)_

 

In the end,he still felt low.

This was progress. .

  
He got a  motel room .And after quick bath (the showers scare him.Reminds him of the hose)the handsome face looking back with pretty blue eyes with long lashes ,cleft chin and a heart shaped mouth that even he wanted to kiss was marred by bags under them and a blank expression.

Those stories of him chasing dames had a ring of truth; he was sure though that it was the other way around and they were chasing him

some little voice dare ventured the obscene thoughts that the fellas were on him just as hard an maybe,just maybe...he might have said yes a few times...

_And did disgusting things in the dark with those men.But with blood on his hands,he was already going to hell,so..._

 

And like all things,this would be used as a weapon.

_Really what's worse? Wanting to do it or taking advantage of sin ,to trade for sin and blood._

__But he had a deadman';s face,too much like Barnes.As he stands now,a scarred and disfigured he became awre that first;he was not and never could be that man from the book-photos-movies.He was a twisted ,basterdized perversion of a person that use to exist but no longer does.He was unnatractive because technically ,he was a cripple.He's been without his arm before,as his memory tells him.

_He remembers wandering a rose garden under street lamps at night time in long sleeves,trying to taste the cold,trying to run inside himself.Remembers hair so long that it splayed his shouder.hid what he was missing . made his handicap less obvious._

__

_Remembers a young boy/man...manchild named...Tony?_

_who use to watch him with eyes of desire and Winter (it was definately Winter.Winter was the one who would roam around like a ghost,wear his feelings like headlights.He was the one who would play docile and become maleable to whoever wanted to be his master.Winter was...._

__

Winter was his new face,the deceiver and the best weapon.He remembers being groped until his metal arm was revealed and he'd go for the neck and

SNAP

Instant death.

  
_Everybody loved Winter,even Stevie.._

__.A smirk crossed his lips and he turned on his mp3 player (that he stole because that's just how it was.The reason h was so good at this was because himself and little Stevie with the big heart were so damn poor that they both were master thieves.

The sound of morbid sounding church bells reached his ears first,then soon followed by a slow guitar solo that sounded like horror

'Hells Bells,ACDC',he wasn't a fan but he liked to think this was one of his theme songs .Cranking it to the loudest volume, he dropped the towel and roamed over to the box against the wall and took out a cheap full body mirror .After that ,he went for the over stuffed shopping bags and pulled out a red hoody,curiosity in his eyes.It felt nice in his hands but the color was too bright now.

 Instead he opted for a black hoody,gray t shirt with a gnostic cross on it,black jeans and boots.Tactical ,practical and semi fashionable in some circles.Fingerless gloves,the kind you fight,some false peircings through out his ears with and a chain that he definitely strangled someone (plural--he did in two men and a woman)with attached to his belt.Almost.He just needed one thing.

Reaching into his back pocket,he took out an eyeliner pencil ,jet black and began tracing his eyes.Muscle memory told him he'd done this before,knew how to do it perfect with a steady hand. And last a pair of tinted glasses that belonged to...somebody familiar,but it wasn't important.What was important was he did NOT look lke Bucky Barnes or the Winter Soldier.

With a satchel added to it,he was young enough to easily pass for some dusty college kid.Perfect for what he needed to get done next.

* * *

  


_'Come find me,Stevie',the words practically said in his head.Steve remembers walking through the rubble of a burned out city,late into the night,not wanting to crumple the letter because those could be his last words.'_

_Traversing through London ruins,Steve came to an abandoned hotel that matched the address he was given.This happened so many times,this kinda scene...The letter,the feeling in his stomach that traveled all the way down ...Bucky would catch Steve by surprise,move so quiet like a ghost in the night,even his super hearing couldn't catch him._

_Sometimes it was a warm 'I love you', that made Steve forget the world was burning and others it was a quiet 'get me out of my head'.Either way,they;d find somewhere to feel each other from the inside,forget the cold,forget and remember with startling clarity 'Tomorrow,we're going to die'._

The sound of screeching tracks awoke Steve from his half sleep,heart pounding too fast,startled,not just from  the train but that dream.

_Not a dream a memory_

Either way,there was no backing out of it now,Steve was nearly at his destination.And for the first time in a long time,he had hope that maybe,just maybe things will get better.

He had been living life by deprivation,he realized.Using any and everything to distract from it,from himself,his loss.

He spent too much time being Captain America.

But this here,this mission,this was for Steve.This was for he ,himself,for once just this one selfish thing.

Sam had asked what made Steve happy long ago and Steve didn't have an answer--

It's because it was the wrong answer,a bad answer an answer that was a truth he had been running from ever since before the war,before he lost his mother,lost his life.

The thing that made him happy was Bucky.

"It's you--always been you",Steve said quietly ,barely audible,with his eyes closed.He had been thinking this but saying it had an all new level of release and it felt like that seventy year burden was slowly lifting.

"Always been you",he repeated again his voice cracked.He uncrumpled the paper he was suppose to get rid of because this was the most recent taste of Bucky he had.Bucky's hands were on it,his handwriting,John Hancock just the way Steve remembered it too.Steve thought maybe,if he tried hard enough he could feel Bucky's finger prints on it.

The train doors opened,more people piled on,seeking seats,prompting Steve to place his bag in the seat even though his mama taught him better and he knew Bucky wouldn't approve. But the last thing he needed was for anybody to realize Captain America was on a train headed for Philadelphia,be it Hydra or anyone else. 

And this thought prompted Steve to stay awake for the rest of the ride.

Nothing was gonna stop him now,nothing was gonna take this from him.Steve finally found his Bucky and that was all that mattered.

  
\--------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is done.Will try to get another soon.Constructive criticism appreciated

**Author's Note:**

> Short chapter,may have another tomorrow..

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Captain America: Disavowed](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6062170) by [alis_grave_nil](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alis_grave_nil/pseuds/alis_grave_nil)




End file.
